I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
