i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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