Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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