4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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