Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
