JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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