New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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