Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
