You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
