i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
