I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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