you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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