Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
