Apparently you make a good broom.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
third nipple confirmed
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
