i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
