Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
