new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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