I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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