WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
