just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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