Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
