Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
