i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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