i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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