obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
