Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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