His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
