my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
