The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
