I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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