sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
