He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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