well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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