My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
