I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Fuck appropriateness.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
