are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
