I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
