I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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