Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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