god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.