Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
