I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
