Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
