i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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