if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
