one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
