yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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