everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
