any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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