I'm lost and stupid without you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
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No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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