is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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