i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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