i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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