Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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