I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
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Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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